As a romance counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many romantic relationships fail. In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five major romance killers:
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
Most people enter a partnership with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major types – overt control and covert control.
Overt control includes many forms of attack, for instance blame, anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.
Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Typically a person at the other end of attack will reply with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.
Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, resulting in the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.
RESISTANCE
Numerous people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and manipulated – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner looking to have control over them, they respond with defense – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.
When one partner is controlling and the other one is resistant – which is really a try to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this romantic relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.
NEEDINESS
A lot of people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, eliminate their loneliness, and make them feel good about themselves. When men and women have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.
SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS
Many people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an effort to fill their emptiness and take away the distress of their being along and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, eating, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, illicit affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. Plus they are all ways of shutting out your mate.
EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE
Many individuals are acutely aware of what their partner is partaking in that is causing relationship problems, but totally unaware of what they are doing. As an example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but entirely unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You may be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive practices, but very unaware of your own enabling. So long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, all of it would be okay.
RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS
All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of being rejected and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.
The best way out is to develop a loving adult self who is aware of how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. Then you will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you understand how to fill yourself with love and define your own inner value. When you are willing to take your eyes off your mate’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can start to do the inner healing work necessary to mend yourself and your relationship.
A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The everyday practice of these steps will shift you out of your addictive and controlling behavior and into the individual responsibility necessary to heal your romance.
If you find yourself in a scenario where you need to move on from your existing romance, get help with dating online. Do a search of search terms like “david deangelo’s“, “double your dating review” and “david deangelo mystery“. You will find an abundance of data on dating and how to have a good partnership.